Breadcrumbs...

2005-08-25T18:04:00.000-05:00

Done...for a while anyway

So, I am not blogging much. Been pretty busy. Life has sped up (those in my life know that of which I speak) and the blog has taken a backseat to other avenues of self-expression. So, having said that, this blog is officially done. I am shutting it down. To my blogging community, thanks for the dialogue and keep on keeping on.

peace......out

2005-05-24T10:48:00.000-05:00

Incredible....

How on earth does stuff just manage to multiply without any help from me? I am packing again and I could swear that I downsized my life when I packed last time. Apparently, I am highly delusional.

So, as I ponder the number of books, shoes and miscellaneous items that need to find there way into a box and slumber for the summer, I wonder: does the lost sock wormhole maybe work in reverse? Is it possible that, instead of stealing my left polka-dot sock, the little gremlins leave two books on my bookshelf? Kind of an apology for stealing my socks? Not sure, but this may warrant further investigation.

Of course, all of this hyperbole is a thinly veiled attempt to stall a painful reality: I'm moving again and this time it's a doozy. Graduate school has sang her siren song and I answered, so; I am off to Mizzou for about the next three to four years. That part is not really a bother; it's all the goodbyes. They are killing me.

Last night was the last official impact group with my roomies, J&B, and Grover. We are all moving away. There were lots of tears (from me at least) and lots of hugs. It was the best and worst of times... (okay, I won't launch into melancholy verses here, you get the picture).

I am no good at goodbye. So I am calling a halt to all those who even think they are going to say goodbye to me in two months. Really, I am just moving down the street a little ways. Not across the ocean (like some people we know!). No goodbyes please. If you try it, I will have those wormhole gremlins steal more than your socks.

Anyway, it is incredible the amount of stuff I have to pack. And then move. Twice. This time I get to live the gypsy way for the summer. Whatever can fit in my trunk and two suitcases is all I will have access to for the summer. Should be interesting.

If you see a little hobo with a hankerchief tied to a stick walking down the road, be sure to wave hello (no goodbyes will be acknowledged).

2005-05-19T23:45:00.000-05:00

Geekdom 2.0

I have finally joined the ranks of the iPod elite. I purchased the regular one (not a mini in a color I find silly on clothing let alone on hardware) and got a nice little extended warranty to boot.

After spending a few hours browsing the Apple store on the Plaza with the J's, they settled on a G5, I got my iPod and I was given a stellar education on the difference between Powerbooks and iBooks (thanks Mike!). I have not decided which one to get yet but he makes a compelling argument for both.

I have avoided the Apple store for precisely this reason: I drool at the thought of a new computer. I can't wait to get a faster system with capabilities I can only dream about (or go to campus for) at the moment. I have a Dell (I know, all my computer friends are appalled) and it has worked well for a while. I did lose a hard drive during year three which was not fun but overall it has been satisfactory. However, my computing needs are growing a little more sophisticated and my little PC is proving to be quite limited.

So, I throw out a question to my fellow bloggers:

What system really makes you pant and why?

I am not buying until Fall (about 3 months) so I am in the fact finding phase. I am not opposed to another PC but I have to say that little Mac is quickly stealing my heart. Weigh in if the spirit move you...

2005-05-18T22:00:00.000-05:00

Star Wars III: Revenge of the Sith

Okay, I have to have my total geek moment ****IT WAS FREAKIN' AWESOME****. Whew! Had to get that out.

Thanks to my dear friend, Grover, my roomies and few other folks (including me) went to an early screening of Star Wars tonight. I laughed. I cried. I sighed. I cursed and trembled and fought the pull to the dark side. Alas, poor Anikan did not. Which made for one kick ass movie.

No matter what the feeling may be about Lucas, this was the film worth waiting for. Light sabers, drama, comedy, heartache. Really, it has all the things any moviegoer could hope for. And it's Star Wars (who hasn't dreamed of being able to kick some stormtrooper butt!).

I will not post any spoilers since it opens, officially, in two hours nationwide. Besides, some of my friends would kill me.

Go see it.

Spoiler #1 - Anikan is Darth Vader
Spoiler #2 - Padmae is Luke and Leia's mom
Spolier #3 - The Chancellor IS the Sith Lord

May the force be with you!

2005-04-08T10:42:00.000-05:00

Goodbye sweet lady....

"I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But, I always thought I would see you again"

Sibree Mitchem left my life yesterday. My sweet granny. I miss you so.

2005-04-05T22:37:00.000-05:00

Words...

There are just certain words that I never should hear put together. This list is not terribly long. Tonight, a series of words have made the list.

Right between mud-wrestling and jello-wrestling, the term lube-oil wrestling has officially found a home.

The images conjured up by any kind of wrestling are not pleasant. Wrestling that requires something to make the body slick (or sticky) definitely gets moved to the banned word list.

For the love....

2005-03-25T10:31:00.000-06:00

Good Friday..

This morning as I did my yoga, I was praying about what this day means. "Sadness and love co-mingled down" is the line from a favorite song of mine. It seemed inadequate but it was a good mantra to repeat as I worked my way through my practice.

I then opened my e-mail and received a link to a writing by Kahlil Gibran (author of The Prophet) The entire writing is entitled The Crucified which you can read here http://www.bruderhof.com/articles/The Crucified

The part that captured my heart and imagination today is this one: "Humanity looks upon Jesus the Nazarene as a poor-born who suffered misery and humiliation with the weak. And he is pitied, for Humanity believes he was crucified painfully. And all that Humanity offers to him is crying and wailing and lamentation. For centuries Humanity has been worshiping the weakness in the person of the Savior.

The Nazarene was not weak! He was strong and is strong! But people refuse to heed the true meaning of strength.

Jesus never lived a life of fear, nor did he die complaining. He lived as a leader; he was crucified as a crusader; he died with a strength that frightened his killers and tormentors.

Jesus was not a bird with broken wings. He was a raging tempest who broke all crooked wings. He feared not his persecutors nor his enemies. Free and brave and daring he was. He defied all despots and oppressors. He saw the contagious pustules and amputated them. He muted Evil and he crushed Falsehood and he choked Treachery.

Jesus came not from the heart of the circle of Light to destroy the homes and build upon their ruins the convents and monasteries. He did not persuade the strong man to become monk or priest, but he came to send forth upon this earth a new spirit, with power to crumble the foundation of any monarchy built upon human bones and skulls. He came to demolish the majestic palaces, constructed on the graves of the weak, and crush the idols, erected upon the bodies of the poor. Jesus was not sent here to teach people to build magnificent churches and temples amidst the cold and wretched huts and dismal hovels. He came to make the human heart a temple, and the soul an alter, and the mind a priest.

There were the missions of Jesus Nazarene, and these are the teachings for which he was crucified. And if Humanity were wise, she would stand today and sing in strength the song of conquest and the hymn of triumph."

Sing on....

2005-03-22T15:24:00.000-06:00

I'm back.....

After what has been one heck of a hiatus from the blogger world, I am returning.

Where have I been? Around. Reading, working, pondering. Apparently, I did not leave enough breadcrumbs because it took me a while to find my way back.

This is turning into one of the hardest seasons of my life. I know one reason I have been gone is that I did not want to fill my blogs with intense monologues about my life. I reserved that for my private journals. I cannot promise that I will not have intense posts but I am looking for a place to be light at well.

It's snowing. Pretty, fat, wet snow is dripping from heaven. Funny thing is I am sure the forecast called for rain only. Obviously heaven did not get the memo.
It's a pretty day for snow. If it has to be cold and grey then there should be some snow involved. Not bad for the 2nd day of Spring.

Oh well, hello to all who have wondered where the heck I've been. It's great to be back. TTFN.

2004-10-14T08:58:00.000-05:00

For the love.....

I have been converted. I never thought it would happen but I am actually blogging about a fashion issue. Before I disclose my new fashion best friend, I have to set this up:

I am a short girl. Five feet nothing on a good day with no heels on. Compound that with being blessed with longish legs, curves and a short torso and buying clothes can be a nightmare.

So, I had to shop for jeans. This activity ranks right up there with having a root canal on the enjoyment meter. But, I sucked it up and set forth for two reasons: 1. I really needed new jeans and 2. the Gap companies (Gap, Old Navy and Banana Republic) were having some great sales on jeans.

When I disclosed to my girlfriends the need for new denims, one of them (thanks R!) uttered the words that would forever change the way I buy jeans: low-rise.

I am sure an angel got her wings in that moment. With that one word in mind, off I went.

Oh......my.....cow!!!! (a Get Shorty reference for those who know)

By buying jeans marked low-rise, I found that they fit in the places that matter most. Still a little lengthy (no help for being short) but otherwise they fit. Perfectly. And they made me feel taller and longer. Score one for women's fashion for a change. The most amazing thing is, low-rise jeans did what ultra-low-rise jeans fail to do: acknowledge that most of us have a butt and not all of us want it hanging out for the world to see.

So, I am converted. I discovered other pants have followed suit and now offer low-rise waists. This could be an invention right on par with sliced bread and jello-pudding pops!

Go forth all women and claim your jeans...

2004-09-11T16:02:00.000-05:00

9.11 - 3 years later

There are no great existential thoughts for today. No revelations I want to ponder. No grand ceremonial statements. Many of my friends blog and have put some great words out about this day. I will let them carry the mantle. I will offer prayer for this day. And grieve again for our loss as a nation and as a world.

Psalm 15:

Lord, who may dwell in your sanctuary?
Who may live on you holy hill?
He whose walk is blameless
and who does what is righteous,
who speaks the truth from his heart
and has no slander on his tongue,
who does his neighbor no wrong
and casts no slur on his fellowman,
who despises a vile man
but honors those who fear the Lord,
who keeps his oath
even when it hurts,
who lends money without usury
and does not accept a bribe against the innocent.
He who does these things will never be shaken. (NIV)

May the world mourn today and everyday that the lands of this earth must absorb the blood of people who are dying in our midst.

Selah....

2004-09-08T13:23:00.000-05:00

-Ism versus -Ism

It's been a while since I have blogged. In that time, there are a few things I have changed. The look and the name of the blog are the most obvious. It was time. So, I am now leaving breadcrumbs for the journey; just in case I get lost along the way.

I have been reading a great book. One of my favorite authors is Dean Koontz. I have a passion for a good story. Whether it be fact or fiction, I do like stories.

Anyway, the heroine in this particular novel has some insights that I thought I might ponder:

"By rejecting the fundamentals of the very civilization that made possible its rise, modernism and its philosophical stepchildren offered flash in place of genuine beauty, sensation in place of hope."

I find the post-modern discussion at once fascinating and, at the same time, inadequate. I perceive that the dismantling of one -ism and the construction of another are really only understood in hindsight. Hence why we all now can see the evils of modernism.

In an attempt to quantify and qualify post-modernism, what are we trading away? The modernist believed in the power of logic and reason to rule and govern by. Systems to live by. Post-modernism is still looking for its tenets. Still figuring out its systems. And in the course of that, trying to determine what history will tell about us. Were we another age of thinkers or a new one of feelers, or did we somehow find the balance? Did we rediscover hope and genuine beauty or settle for even paler shades than our predecessors? Did we throw out the baby with the bathwater? Only time will tell but there are many questions to ponder.

Here's what I think: in early modernity, people thought hard and tried to find a new way to be. We are attempting the same thing. We are thinking. Hard. Trying to find a new way to be. The modern infrastructure may dismantle but the echoes of modernity will no more fade into oblivion than have the echoes of Enlightenment or the Renaissance. We will mold and absorb it as generations before have done and attempt something new.

By virtue of living in this place and time, we are all part of that search for something new. The age of modernity is ending. We are all post-modernist. All with a stake in the next wave of thought, ideology and action. Kind of daunting when you think about it...

The other thought that caused me to ponder:

"All of humanity's follies seemed worth embracing if that were the price to preserve everything beautiful in human civilization. Although the human heart is selfish and arrogant, so many struggle against their own selfishness and learn humility; because of them, as long as there is life, there is hope that beauty lost can be rediscovered, that what has been reviled can be redeemed."

The transition of one -ism to another brings chaos. The suffering in this place in time is weighty. The toll of human atrocities growing. And the world is groaning under the burden of it. In places near and far, we are losing lives. Not just in the deserts of Iraq but across the green spaces of Africa and in the jungles of South America. And right here. Daunting.

What will we post-modernist do to answer this quandary? If war is a modern response, what is the post-modern response? Are they mutually exclusive?What will be redeemed and rediscovered by the poets,teachers,students,thinkers,faithful of this time? Anything? Everything? What and where is the beauty that we feel is worth saving?

I give the struggle of post-modernist considerable thought and hold it up for discussion whenever I can. Why? Because I am not removed from the suffering of the world. Because post-modernism is not a panacea but an emerging ideology that can be either good or bad and,therefore, always needing to be probed. Because I have hope that all life is redeemable even if I am not the one to redeem it.

A student of mine whom I will call E brought this home to us last night. She was not aware of the horrors going on the Sudan. Of the drama that is playing out while the world debates whether or not to call it genocide. Of the 30,000 already dead. Of the children displaced and families smashed.

She is now aware. She is full of passion and anger. She wants to do something.

She does not want to debate the intricacies of systems of government. She could care less about whether networks are free from scale or couched in granite. She wants to know how this world will respond to the cries of the other. What we will do with burden we have been given.

She was brilliant. And her point was simple: when one of us is hurting; we are all hurting. That post-modernism may be the realized through a simple concept: connection. I connect to you and you to me. I am no longer an "it" to be categorized but a "thou" to be loved (thank you Martin Buber).

I have rambled and am still working this out. I love this place and time because it is the one that I have been chosen to live in. I hope this discussion blossoms into worldwide conversation and I hope we do more than just sit around and talk.

just breadcrumbs for my journey...

2004-08-17T10:49:00.000-05:00

Latitude: 33.877, Longitude: -118.4155 Destination: Peace

Above is a place that I found years ago on a trip to California and rediscovered when I was there last week. It's a beach volleyball and surfer's enclave that is pretty popular. It took me a while to find it. Manhattan Beach feels a little like Eden to me. Let me explain (no, let me sum up).

When I drive down Rosecrans Ave, I know that I am going to crest a rise and something amazing is going to happen: out of a sea of houses, construction and cute little buildings an ocean is going to appear and dominate the landscape. I don't think anything has ever made me feel so human and vulnerable.

Majestic is to small a word for the feeling of that ocean to my weary soul. It rolls over and through me like the voice of God. In some ways, it is the voice of God.

I was only there for a 1/2 day for a reason. When I get there, I am trying to find ways to stay. The urgency of catching a flight keeps me in check.

This past trip was not an intended one. I was not planning to see this slice of heaven but the opportunity arose and I knew that events had been orchestrated to offer me some solace and healing in a place that feels a little like a second home to me. I have sat on the shores of the Oceans off both coasts and more than a few lakes. None have moved me the way this place does. Is it the ocean? The atmosphere? The slow pace of living in an crazy big city? The friendly people? Cute sportsmen? I think it is all of the above and more. And less.

Being there makes me appreciate being here. A very wise person said to me that the senses can be filled by the significant and the insignificant and it is up to us to determine which is which. I love the way the world fills my sense of wonder and life when I am in Manhattan Beach; but it is no match for the way community and love fill my senses back in Kansas City.

So, I came home. Missing it terribly but glad to back. Looking forward to the next time I can get there and and be part of the flow of life. There may be a time when I surface there and stay there for a while. Now is not that time.

It's really good to be home...

2004-08-08T21:28:00.000-05:00

47 Minutes and 55 Seconds.....

Nope, not the length of the latest movie...
Nope, not the time it will take to read this message...
Nope, not the length of time it took to write this message...

It is in fact my very first time for a 5K Race. Not a walk but an actual run. I did it. I was not a the front of the pack but I was not at the back either.

With more than a little trepidation, I set out to run the Race For the Cure today. I did not know how it would be. Would I have to walk it all or could I run just enough to come in under an hour.
3 Miles never seemed so daunting. So, with friends in tow, off I went to conquer my fears.

It was amazing and hard. Hilly in some places; flat in others. Over 10,000 people ran, walked, and some even danced their way to the finish line. It was emotional for many. They were there for loved ones lost and loved ones in remission. I was there for myself and the little girl inside me who never thought she would wear the label "runner".

Well, it is 9:30PM now. The day has come to a close and I ran. And walked a little. And danced on the inside (and teared up a little on the outside) as I crossed the finish line. I am inspired. Not because I did it but because I did it beside little old ladies with blue hair and young, lithe 20 something's. And I was right there in the pack.

Will I run another? I think so. I want to make it in under 40 minutes but, if I always run at 47 minutes and 55 seconds, I will count myself very lucky indeed.

This race was for me..
And for all the couch potatoes who don't think they can..
And for all the little kids who don't think they can run..
And the big kids too..
And for faith..
And for hope..
And for love.. of God, community/family, this life and myself.

2004-07-18T14:31:00.000-05:00

3 Weeks And Counting.....

I am three weeks away from something I did not dream I would ever do...run a race. It's a small race, 5K, but it feels like my first marathon. About a year ago, I began thinking I might want to become one of those people who ran for fun and not because someone was chasing me. It was a thought my brain and body were going to have to discuss before anything really happened.

Fast forward a year... Body and brain finally came to an accord and thought jogging might now be an option. So, I started jogging. Apparently it only looks like fun when observing someone else do it. I was sore for a week the first time I ran a 1/2 mile. My body was content to call this a failed experiment in stupidity and go back to walking only. My brain was not quite ready to throw in the towel.

So, I am now three weeks away from attempting to run 3.1 miles without (a) passing out (b) throwing up (c) quitting or (d) staying home and watching Oprah. I roped a few friends into this little adventure to keep me honest (and make sure I actually show up) and they all still seem gung-ho so I guess we are a team.

The Race for The Cure is Aug. 8 and I will be there. It's a milestone for me (i'll elaborate more later) and I am excited in that sinking-in-the-pit-of-the-stomach kind of way. I don't know if this is the first of many forays or the only time I will ever race in my life but I am here. I never thought it would happen. I'm one of those people who will eat up the blocks in her running shoes, sweating, and loving, well maybe liking - enduring?- it. And in the end, I will cross the finish line.

I'm not shooting for first place. I'm just running for me.

2004-07-15T15:43:00.000-05:00

The Amazing Word....

My little passion with words leads me in all sorts of circles. I read many types of literature, listen to many genre's of music and love movies. In my travels through worddom this week, I stumbled upon a quote that I find quite fascinating:

"Nobody thinks clearly, no matter what they pretend. Thinking's a dizzy business, a matter of catching as many of those foggy glimpses as you can and fitting them together as best you can. That's why people hang on so tight to their beliefs and opinions; because, compared to the haphazard way in which they're arrived at, even the goofiest opinion seems wonderfully clear, sane and self-evident. (emphasis mine) And, if you let it get away from you, then you've got to dive back into that foggy muddle to wangle yourself out of another to take its place."

Thank you Dashiell Hammett! (From his novel The Dain Curse)

The reason I found this fascinating is that I have a tendency to overthink. I can breakdown an idea and rebuild and break it down again with a different outcome within a short span of time. In the process, I drive myself crazy and others if I am not careful.

My students also overthink. They process in ways that leave me quite baffled. They are driving me crazy and I drive them crazy. In the end - we are all crazy and, as the teacher, it is my job to bring us back from crazy and make sense of what we have come back with (see, thinking to much here).

It has been a frustrating week. The responsibility for making sense out of life has me doing lots of heavy thinking. I did reach one conclusion today (thanks again to Hammett): I need to lighten up.

All of the thinking cannot erase my need for a controlled plan for existence. But, flowing with the moment just might. It is hard for me. I am a thinker (and a rather moody one) by nature. Analyses can be downright intoxicating for me. However, I am tired of hearing myself think. So, I think I will toss back some opinions, beliefs and attitudes that have not been working so well for me but, instead of trying to wangle out new ones from the chaos of my mind, I will just float in the not knowing for a while. Maybe in the midst of that truths will be revealed and maybe they won't.

I've decided, at least for today, not to give it to much thought.

2004-07-07T15:30:00.000-05:00

Moved In...

I moved again. This is the second move in as many years. Of course, if I am really counting, it is the third move in six years. Sounds a little better when I put it that way.

I like my new place. I have two housemates of the humankind and two of the canine variety. Quite a change from being solo for the past two years.

This move came at an odd time in my life. There is a noticeable lack of stability and the move did not really cure that. But that is not the oddity: I really have no world stopping reasons for moving. None. Just small ones that are important to me. Many people in my life are having a hard time adjusting to that reality. The conversations go something like this"

Friend: "Sach, why are you moving?"
Me: "Because."
Friend: "Because? Because why?"
Me: "Because, I want to"
Friend: "You WANT to? You want TO? YOU want to?"
Me: "Yep."

There are many variations to the conversation but they all end the same. I get a look that is one part disbelief, one part bemusement, one part annoyance and one part, well the last emotion can be anything. It seems that this "because" response is not one some people want from me. But, it's the one I like giving at the moment. Truth is, I just got tired of speaking the truth and not being believed so I decided to become ambiguous about it. Add a little air of mystery to the whole she-bang.

So, with the help of many wonderful friends, I moved to Johnson County. One day we will all stop laughing over the irony of that one. I am now safely ensconced in the humble abode of J,J,B & G. They have welcomed me with much grace and love. I get at least one great doggie hug a day.

When I sent the e-mail to the people I wanted to pray about a possible roommate for, I was not prepared for the immediacy of the response. Many were thrilled, some were not. All tried (and have in their own way) to be supportive and agreed to pray. What bowled me over even more is the response from my Maker. If you have been reading this blog, you know that I am at a dark place in my relationship with Christ these days. Lots of love and lots of darkness (still haven't found that darn flashlight). The swift response to the prayers of this team left me speechless, humbled and even more confused than normal. I'll expound more in a later blog.

Anyway, within weeks of the request, it was confirmed that I was moving. Wow. Whoa. Okay, time to trim the fat out of my life, start packing and prepare to move. So much to do, so little time. I had two months to pack and move, a wedding of two of my dearest friends to attend, my own birthday, the birthday of many other dear friends to celebrate, summer school, friends leaving the country and a race to train for. (Did I mention I was tired? )Through all the events and days leading up to the move, I think I was a little stunned. It has not been the easiest year (couple of years) and few things have happened as smoothly and quickly as this move. I kept waiting for the rug to yanked. It didn't happen. All things considered, this is the easiest thing I have done in a while. I moved. I am now moved in with only a few more boxes to empty. Not bad for two months of chaos.

So, I generally feel like new things are turns on the road in the journey I am on. Good, bad or indifferent - a turn will come. Somehow, this feels a little different. Whether accidentaly or intentionally lead, I think I stepped on a new path because this sure feels like a new journey. In my mind, I cannot pinpoint when the dominoes fell that moved me off the last path but fall they did and, with the final click, I have found myself in a new place. Drats. Joy. More unfamiliar territory to navigate.

I moved in and moved IN. I am exploring what both of these things feel like. Again, I am far from any answers right now about what my life is going to look like. I really am hanging by a moment. But it feels good to be settled....if even for a moment.

2004-06-20T20:27:00.000-05:00

The Importance of Darkness....

I read a excerpt from a poem today that sums up where I am in life right now. I am a pretty optimistic person with brushes of melancholy to keep me interesting. For the most part, I am adept at rolling with the punches and realizing that life is not always fair or easy but interesting nonetheless.

Currently, I feel dark. Not the, I am at the bottom of the well kind of dark; but the I am staring into the abyss and have found it staring back at me kind of dark. I believe that this may be a period where I experience the dark night of the soul as St. John defines it.

I don't know. I do know that it is hard and I am unsure for the first time in a long time.

There is always a light in the darkness; darkness itself can have a glow to it that cannot be seen but only felt. That is my comfort right now. That there is a light in this place and, eventually, I will see it.

Here is the excerpt:

When your eyes are tired
the world is tired also.

When your vision has gone
no part of the world can find you.

Time to go into the dark
where the night has eyes
to recognize its own.

There you can be sure
you are not beyond love..

Sometimes it takes darkness and the sweet
confinement of your aloness
to learn

Anything or anyone that does not bring you alive
is too small for you.

David Whyte, from "Sweet Darkness"

There are a lot of emotions in this place right now. There are fewer solid revelations that I can hold on to. There are even fewer evident ports in this storm to hide me. So, I hold on to the faith and prayer that I will either step into the abyss and onto solid ground or will be lifted high in flight. Either way, there are two of us in this darkness: me and Christ. I trust He will find me in it. That is the hope I hold on to.

2004-05-25T15:59:00.000-05:00

Hearing....

I heard today from God. This should not be a newsflash but it is. I find, as most do, that direct communication with my Father is usually couched in symbolism. Today was no exception but there was a direct response. And, of course, it had to come in a song.

I was out walking/jogging/praying this morning at Mill Creek. I listen to the radio as white noise and to keep my mind distracted from how much I don't want to be working out. So I was praying and asking God some hard questions when a lyric got caught in the web of my mind and forced me to take notice. Here is what I heard:

I am not your rolling wheels
I am the highway
I am not your carpet ride
I am the sky
I am not your blowing wind
I am the lightening
I am not your autumn moon
I am the night
(emphasis mine of course)

I felt like He heard me and responded swiftly with an admonishment. That He is bigger than the small things that push me; that He is all over and under and through me in ways that I cannot even begin to comprehend; that He is the beauty of this life as well as the keeper of all of my dreams. It was a humbling feeling and I had to stop and walk because I could not run anymore. I had been caught in His arms and I was held. I was loved and reminded. And, in a way, I was released to look around and forward. It was a gift in this day that I know will need to sustain me in others and I am grateful.

The song was "I Am The Highway" by Audioslave. The author was God.

2004-05-07T13:30:00.000-05:00

Ringing of the phone...

Exactly three weeks ago my cell phone rang. I did not answer it as I was at my home group and we were in the middle of a pretty interesting discussion. I checked it and saw a familiar name and assumed I could call her later. Then, oddly enough, my phone rang again. Another good friend that I assumed I could call later. So, I didn't answer the calls. The phone of another person rang as well and he did answer it. I am glad he did even though my heart is still breaking over what was to come next.

I have a new anxiety in my world. I have discovered that I have to answer my phone when it rings at an unorthodox time such as being at home group, in class or at church. If I can't answer it, I am antsy until I can check the message. I need to know. Is everyone in my world okay? Is the world outside still standing?
It only effects me at times when I know (and most others know) that I am unavailable to be reached. Every other time I am fine. I don't know when this will cease to be an issue. Deep down, the ringing triggers a fear that someone is gone and I was not there to say goodbye. It triggers a little twinge of pain in my soul.

When I do answer, it usually a friend or family member wanting to chat. And they quickly say "It was nothing Sach, call me when you can". I breathe a little easier and go back to what I need to focus on. And I am grateful that it was nothing.

I guess this is a round-about way of saying I miss my friends. The ringing is a reminder that they are gone. That my world has changed and I am still not sure how to deal with that. So, I am not worried about dealing. I just breathe in the moments of pain and joy alike and remember.

I thought I saw them last week. As I looked out over the evening crowd, I thought I saw them with their eyes closed, hands raised high, worshipping with abandon as was their nature. I looked and smiled; closed my eyes and joined them.

to all who may read this...may you love well and be loved all the days of your life.

that's all.

2004-04-09T09:44:00.000-05:00

Remembering When.....

Memories are funny things. They roll around in the recesses of our soul collecting a little dust and, generally, keeping our roots to the past in place. Sometimes we are knocked sideways when an old memory makes a break for the surface and we get a glazed look in our eyes as we feel the moment we have lived before take over. It can be great or not so hot.

I had one of those moments Wednesday night. I was not looking to play in the fields of my memories. In fact, I was working a puzzle, having a glass of wine and listening to the radio and having a little peace. On the radio came a song that I did not recognize but that seemed to recognize me. It called forth a memory of a really painful time from about six years ago. But there was a difference in the memory. It no longer hurt the way it used to.

Remembering when is always a tricky situation to be in. Invariably, there are those memories that will always elicit a smile and feelings of warmth and then there are those memories that will elicit tears, guilt, anger or sadness. All of them are useful to some degree and a part of the bigger fabric of who we are.

So, what happens when a memory crosses over? When it no longer hurts as badly and, ironically, brings a small measure of comfort with it? I smiled and cried a little. Sat back and listened to the song and what it had to offer to me in the moment. There was no dulling of the pain of the memory so much as there was a shift in perspective. It felt like the water had finally calmed enough to see clearly to the bottom of my soul. At least for a moment. And I remembered when.....

I don't think that happens all the time. I do think that time can heal many wounds by reminding us that we are no longer in that place or the person we used to be. I also think time does not heal some things and that is just the way it is. In the rare instance when a memory rises and brings a different emotion than the norm, we are given an opportunity to relinquish control over a part of ourselves that has been locked to the memory and make room for something else, something new and perhaps, something sweet.

That was the song for me. Letting go, remembering when and making room for something sweet. I don't know that I will ever have that feeling from that song again but it matters not. Because now I have a new memory attached to the old one and smoother skin where there once was a small scar.

2004-04-02T15:42:00.000-06:00

Book Reading Update:

This is fun! Though a little slow going but I am expanding my repertoire of books so I am good with it.

I finally finished Under The Banner of Heaven (I only count it once but I am glad to be done with it so it gets another mention)

Also complete:

Cube Route - Piers Anthony
Airframe - Michael Crichton

Happy reading...

2004-04-01T16:07:00.000-06:00

And the prize is......(drum roll please)..... Sacheen!?????

Today I was the most sought after girl on campus. It was a heady feeling. For the better part of an hour, 24 people searched for the holy grail, the brass ring, the cherry on top. I was heady with the rush of it, drunk from the taste of it, intoxicated by the thought of it. They swarmed all over campus looking for me. Over the rivers and through the woods...wait...wrong fairy tale. Anyway, it was just stunning. Of course, it was a "Where in the world is Sacheen?" contest. And they were required to do it. And I was worth thirty points to the winning team. So, maybe they were not in complete awe of my stunning beauty and omnipotent intelligence. A girl can dream.....

It was a fun day. Stuck inside a theater waiting to be found by my students. They griped at the beginning and thought it was silly (so my spies told me) but, when they found me, there was much laughing and congratulations for the winning team and a few kudos for the old teach...for a fun activity that got them out into a beautiful day.

It was and still is a beautiful day. Course it might have been nice to be the object of pursuit by... oh, wait, wrong post.

Get out and enjoy the day...

2004-03-16T12:27:00.000-06:00
The Downside of Education

It is a sad commentary on the educational system that the only way students feel validated is by the letter grade on their mid-term report. I graded a slew of midterms on my "spring break" and not all of my students faired very well. I am the first person to admit I give hard exams and try to warn my students of this. Still, it does catch them off guard. Inevitably, I have to have a few hard conversations with students who have the potential to do well but are not. It is never easy. Some of these students have never seen any grade below an "A" and they are upset, confused, livid, hurt etc...

With a lot of patience, I try to convince them that 1. This is not their final grade and there will be a chance to bring their grade up, 2. it is not a personal reflection on them as student and 3. this is not the end all of life. They rarely see the forest for the tree sitting in front of them.

There have been numerous tears shed in the past couple of days. Gently, but firmly, I had to counsel one person that this may not be the semester to take my class. Another is taking 18 hours in an effort to graduate in May but has such a low grade in my class it may not happen. Still another is not interested in school but needs the financial aid check to make it.

I get so frustrated at this system that drills into them that they are what their GPA says they are. In turn, the world will tell them that they are what they do or how much they make. That's just crap. No, it bull****. They are slowing being conditioned to take the anemic vision of life that society embraces as opposed to pursuing a life full of learning and beauty and passion. My students are brilliant PEOPLE. With strong ideas and goals that have nothing to do with how well they test or whether they will ever make six figures.

But they don't pursue that part of themselves or, if they do, they are treated with disdain and contempt. This is worst part about teaching. I am a contributor to the very system I am railing against. I could just give all A's and work on nurturing their inner life but I don't. I want to help them achieve a balance. Do well but don't sell your soul for the world's definition of well.

I am struggling today with this. The bright spot is one of my students asked me to pray for her. She said she could tell I was a spiritual person and wanted me to include her in my prayers. That made me smile in the midst of the struggle. But the struggle continues.....

2004-03-12T18:06:00.000-06:00
Book Reading Update....

In my quest to read 50 books this year, I have made the following progress:

From A Buick Eight - Stephen King
Catch As Cat Can - Rita Mae Brown
Under The Banner of Heaven - Jon Kraukauer (in progress, finally!)

It may be slow going but I am having a blast. My goal is to get 1 1/2 books a week read but, with school work to be done, I will take what I can get.

Happy reading.....

2004-03-04T12:40:00.000-06:00
Rain.....

It is the kind of weather for either waxing philosophical or sleeping all day. I do not have the option to sleep all day so I will do a little waxing.

Having spent the morning running around the city, I currently feel like a wet poodle. I might even look like one (humidity makes the hair frizzy). It has been an all around stressful week and the rain has not been helping.

I have grumbled softly about the rain (no fun to drive in) but am secretly delighted that it is not snow, sleet, ice or hail. I have pontificated about the deluge and how it is wreaking havoc with my little street (anyone need mud for something, I can sell it cheap), my shoes, my clothes (wet jeans are so uncomfortable) and anything else I can think about. All the while knowing that the weather is a blessing.

The kicker is, I have been in a funk for a week and the rain is forcing me to sit still and figure it out. I went to sleep in a mood and woke up to a down pour. It's not even a pretty rain. It is grey and hard and chilly. It seems to almost be mocking me. So, I determined I was going to look for some bright spot to the day. Not happening. All I can really think about is ice cream because that is what I want. Can't have any though, I gave it up for Lent (along with bubble gum). So, as I sat in my car, trying to catch a break from the down pour so I could run for my apartment I had time to think.

Ice cream is my comfort food. One of those things that I turn to when the days are long and the nights are longer. So, as Lent approached, I wanted to give something meaningful to God. I thought of a couple of things but I kept coming back to ice cream. It is a little slice of refuge when my brain begins to scramble and it is pretty darn tasty! Maybe it was seeing The Passion or maybe it is just that I am at a place of wanting to connect deeper with Christ but I felt l needed to turn away from something that gave me false comfort and toward real comfort. It has not been easy. I am under pressure and stress and have been having some pretty amazing pity parties and I have not had any ice cream to soothe my weary mind. It is not like I have started praying more (something I am horrible at) or journaling more (a little better than prayer but have not been as diligent) or done any other devotional thing. I have been stewing.

Today in the car, I was stewing. Just kicking into high gear over some fear-based issues and giving myself this long spiel about something inconsequential (though it seemed highly relevant in the moment). In the midst of it, I wondered if God was crying. If He was sitting on His throne weeping because I am to stubborn to embrace the Lenten sacrifice and am choosing instead to bitch and moan at will.

I don't know if I have crossed His radar in that fashion today but I feel as though it was not an errant thought that I had. It was a gentle reminder. This season is about me and not about me. Some days I think it is all about me.

I do wish the rain would let up a little and the sun would shine through but that is not my call. I am learning to take comfort in the moment, no matter whether the moment is good or bad. I'll get wetter as the day wears on (have to get gas, fun!) and will probably forgot the little epiphany by tonight. But, maybe I won't. Maybe I will see the rain as God's tears or as a cleansing agent or a life giver.

Or maybe I'll just see the rain and be thankful for that....

2004-02-25T21:53:00.000-06:00
The Passion of The Christ

I think the title says it all. I saw it tonight. I may write more later.

2004-02-23T17:05:00.000-06:00
Music to my soul.....

I have a love affair with words. Cool words, sappy words, nice words, naughty words and everything in between. I don't think that is odd but I have to remember that not everyone has an attachment to words the way I do.

I am in the midst of a series of lectures on the power of language and the use of description to take us places. Some of my students are loving it and some could not care less. The latter think I am insane when I tell them to visualize the scene by the way the passage is written; others find it an exercise in the sensual. Either way, I have a blast because my love of language and words is not tied to whether my students get it or not - it just is.

When words come together in language and elicit a response, I think they are at their finest. Could be a any kind of response, just depends on the words. So, thought I would share some of my favorite words that have come together to make some pretty fine statements:

"Heaven bend to take my hand and lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer to a long a painful fight" - Sarah McLaughlin - Fallin'

"To see a World in a Grain of Sand
And Heaven in a Wild Flower,
Hold Infinity in the palm of your hand
And Eternity in an hour.." - William Blake - Auguries of Innocence

Just about everything that Bucky Katt says in Get Fuzzy (If you don't read it, you should)

"Hmm,upgrades" - Neo - The Matrix Reloaded

"But if the Icefall was strenuous and terrifying, it had a surprising allure as well. As dawn washed the darkness from the sky, the shattered glacier was revealed to be a three-dimensional landscape of phantasmal beauty." Into Thin Air - Jon Krakauer

"I know that I know that I know" - Brennan Manning - Ruthless Trust

"Once I believed that loneliness was strength" - Heather Neff - Blackgammon

I could go on and on but I won't.

Textbooks say words are just arbitrary symbols we have imbued with a certain meaning to give us context. That may be true to a certain degree but I think I would add that they are also the gateways to our life. They are pools we swim in and oceans we dip in to make sense out of everything and they are fun.

I admit my weirdness. I think words are like wine; good ones linger forever and bad ones stay to long.

Happy wording...

2004-02-19T16:27:00.000-06:00
Read,Read,Read

In response to a friend's blog about reading 50 books this year, I have begun keeping track of the books I am reading.

Thus far, here is where I am:

On Writing - Stephen King (2nd time I am reading it, an awesome book)
The Courage To Teach - Parker J. Palmer
How, Then, Shall We live - Wayne Muller (this will be another re-read. maybe one of the best books I have ever read)
The Color of Water: A Black Man's Tribute To His White Mother - James McBride
The Valkyries - Paulo Coehlo

I don't think I will count the textbooks I have to read or the magazines that I read. I am pretty interested to see if I can read 50 books this year and what new books will come my way on this quest. I am a voracious reader anyway but I don't keep track. I just read. I love the whole concept of losing myself in someone else's world, thoughts or ideas or learning new concepts and trains of thought.

One of the most beautiful things I have read to date comes from Mr. Palmer:

"The inward quest for communion becomes a quest for outward relationship: at home in our souls, we become more at home with each other."

That is beautiful and sacred to me. It is also something I feel is very true. I am pondering it and may write more later. For now, it is just beautiful.

Happy reading...

2004-02-17T14:16:00.000-06:00
Opened A Can Of Worms....

It is not uncommon knowledge amongst my friends that I can be less than tactful about things. Not because I mean any harm but because I tend to ask, or say, what is on my mind and heart before weighing the consequences. Does not happen all the time but enough to get me into tense situations.

Well, I have done it again. Whether intentional or not, I definitely had a tense situation where what I said caused a clash of ideologies in my class. I teach several courses that fall under the heading of communication: interpersonal, multicultural etc. Many of the classes are heavy on discussion and we can get heated especially when I begin to poke at my student's paradigms. I teach at the college level so I have a lot students who are not quite adults but are no longer children. Their beliefs are in flux, their ideas garbled but their passion is ferocious. So what did I say? Well....

We were discussing relationships and sex (which is a hot topic among my students) and the issue of commitment. I know, I know, all the warning bells should have gone off in my head and a clamp should have come over my mouth but, alas, that is not what happened. Here is the gist:

Many in my class do not equate sex with commitment and love. It is purely a physical enjoyment issue and nothing more. Others feel it is sacred and should be kept to the confines of a committed relationship (not necessarily marriage). Still others hold that marriage is the only place sex is permissible. Okay, we have all the viewpoints in the room.

I, being the teacher, had all sorts of questions that I was asking to keep the conversation on track and dig deeper into underlying reasons for a certain sway of thought. My final comments/questions created the uproar amongst about 3/4 of the room:

"Many have said that commitment is not to be undertaken lightly. That one should know someone before making a commitment to spend the rest of their life with them. That marriage is sacred and we all need to find our one true mate before settling down. But, at the same time, many of you are giving away the only thing that you will truly bring to a committed relationship - yourselves. Sharing a sexual experience is profound at many levels and leaves lasting ramifications on our lives. But, as you are saying, if sex is not one of the deepest levels of commitment we can make to another person, then why do we have any issue with prostitution, teen pregnancy, rampant STD and AIDS or any other consequences linked to sex?"

Well, I got all these arguments about how people are not having responsible sex and that children are exceptions and prostitution is wrong etc. That I could not equate these consequences with the right of individuals to make sex a part of their lives in the way that best suits them. To which I said:

"But is it not hypocritical to stand on the right of free expression in sexuality and then turn around and lament the inability for marriages to last, the proliferation of adultery and pornography and the apathy that is pervasive in this area?"

Well, I might as well have said that Jesus was a martian. Many were offended, highly offended, that I had the audacity to equate sexual freedom with the proliferation of adultery, divorce and pornography. According to them, one has nothing to do with the other and I am denying the rights of individuals to make decisions about their lives and live with those consequences. That I was a conservative (that was a shocker! not the way I would describe myself at all) and wanted to push only the notion of sex after marriage by trumpeting out all the negatives. I was curious about what the positives were for a life of sexual freedom so I asked. Well, there was a whole nother can of worms. Sex was a choice they said; it represented a commitment to someone and was a way to show love and affection. But, I replied, didn't they say that sex did not have a tie to love and commitment and should not be equated as such? And we were off to the races.

It was a great conversation. So heated in fact, that many students didn't want to leave for fear they had not been adequately heard on the subject. They were heard. Emphatically. I walked away excited by the conversation but also saddened. In the year that I have been teaching, the extreme dichotomies that I have encountered have left me perplexed and frustrated. It is not as though I have no concept of the decay of the fabric of society but I am getting hear first hand how confused people are. Not just people, the next generation of doctors, lawyers and teachers.

I am attempting to find a way to share other perspectives with them as well as my belief; my faith. This is sacred ground and I am treading lightly. Many believe in God but not the Bible. Strange? Maybe, but true. There is a belief in relativism and a benevolent Benefactor but not in redemption and repentance. Grace is a fuzzy concept and evil an archaic notion perpetuated by people who are not "realistic".

It is kind of a refiner's fire for me. The more I engage my students on these kind of subjects the more I have to examine not only what I say but how I live. I will make no lasting impression on them with my words but with my actions. So I ponder the quiestions: Is my life a reflection of the beliefs I hold? Are my views archaic and unrealistic? Am I grounded in the fruit of Spirit or grounded in my need to be liked?

It distresses me greatly to hear some of the responses in class. No distress is to mild, some days I want to cry at the magnitude of how far we have fallen into the abyss. And I know I am not that far removed from where my students are right now. There was a time when relativism ruled my life and it was all about instant gratification. Sometimes I wish I could show them my scars to prove that the path they are on is destructive. But, I cannot. That is a line academia does not want me to cross and, honestly, I am not sure I want to. But I can push the envelope as far as I can. I can ask questions and give a forum for safe discussion. I can present an alternative viewpoint to the prevailing one. I can listen to them and, some days, I can really relate.

This is one of those ponderings that will forever infuse my writing. The line is sometimes so thin between being in the world but not of the world that I think I am going to go blind trying to see it. Some of my students struggle with that as well. I am not sure that I am qualified to teach this or mediate the dialogue but I am the one in a position to do it.

Once more into the breech.....

2004-02-15T15:29:00.000-06:00
Sunday, Sweet Sunday

I feel as though I have been going all weekend. Truth be told I have been going all weekend. It has been a weekend to revisit the irreverent days of my youth - the 80's. I have shaken my tailfeathers and played 80's inspired board games all in the company of some pretty hip and cool people who also happen to be my pals.

Not since '87 has the depletion in the ozone layer been undertaken with as much gusto and fever as Saturday night in the dressing room of one hip friend in particular. We all met for dinner and fun as we prepped for the Prom. Oh my. You should have been there. Blue eyeshadow, prom dresses, one Boy-George look-a-like and our very own best-dressed man (and a woman with honorable mention). It was a hoot and riot and undeniably a good time was had by all.

We danced. And danced. And danced some more. We didn't forget we were in our late 20's to mid 30's, we simply remembered that we knew how to have a good time on the dance floor. No matter if the 80's were our high school days, middle school days or college days, we knew the meaning of fun. The band was funky, the outfits crazy and we did not care. In fact, we were celebrating. We were celebrating life. And it was glamorous. (all puns intended)

Today, I spent some time playing board games with some of those same friends from last night. They were helping me grade my students and having some fun in the process. Many of the games brought the 80's theme out again. It was a perfect day after prom.

Now, I am having some quiet time before church. The first bit of time to myself since last Sunday I am sure. I have just come from lunch with a friend and am quite content to be alone in my space.

There is no major point to this writing. I don't plan to wax philosophical about youth, culture or identity. I am just reminiscing about a weekend spent with some friends, dancing to some music and, in general, being at peace in the world. And, maybe, remembering that a good song can make life okay.

"And we danced, like a wave on the ocean, romanced
We were liars in love and we danced
Swept away for a moment by chance
Yeah, we danced and danced and danced" - The Hooters

2004-02-14T09:39:00.000-06:00
St. Valentine...
the Hallmark holiday of choice

So, it is V-Day around the world. We cannot agree on world religion, politics, global warming or what do to about OPEC but we can agree that on this day, the world over, a little guy in a diaper is helping spread love and cheer in about 50 different languages.

The origins of it are irrelevant. The ramifications quite clear. One of the most lucrative holidays on the planet is one not to be trifled with. Lest you want to be reminded of how lacking your love (or lover) truly is; guys and gals alike step up to the plate and swing for the bleachers financially and emotionally on this day.

I get it. You get it. We all get it. And asking why we all get it is about as irrelevant as the origin of the day itself. We just do. It is part of who we are and our culture. No matter your ethnicity, nationality, or political affiliation - you get it. Whether we all celebrate it, condone it, support it or reject it, there is no denying that Feb. 14 will forever be Valentines Day around the world.

But....it is also my Dad's birthday. Not celebrated all over the world but much more important to me. A day, in New Jersey, when my biggest fan (and worst critic) came into the world. A day where we get together (my Dad, my little sister and myself) and hang out, have a little dinner, watch a movie, play chess etc. and bond. Despite the tension that invariably sits beneath the surface or despite whatever land mine has been exploded in our world, we still come together to celebrate the day. Quietly. With much love, grace and gratitude that is he still here.

I harbor no ill will against the fat child in the pamper. Though I am single, I can appreciate wanting to show love and affection on the Love and Affection Holiday of the year. But it is only a day in the life and will be gone tomorrow. Daddy's birthday is also only a day in the life but resonates love and affection throughout the days of my life. And that my friends is all that matters.....

Swing for the bleachers ya'll...

Happy Valentines Day

2004-02-13T13:46:00.000-06:00
On a quest....

I am at this strange cross-road in my life. I have applied for a doctoral program and a full-time professorship. Neither of them have come through as yet but I have all these questions about what to do at this point in life.

What is the purpose of my journey at the moment?
Where do I want to be in three to four years?
How much is this decision influenced by my faith?
And how much by my pride?

I didn't think I had this issue of pride but the prestige factor of a doctorate is pretty heady. Not to mention, I work in a world where the doctorate is the be-all, end-all goal of life. But ,is it a part of my journey or the manifestation of someone else's journey through me?

It has been a rough week in the waters of this struggle. The pressure is mounting to make a decision. Pressure from within and without. I don't have an answer at the moment. Maybe one will come today. For now, I am going outside to play..

2004-02-12T14:54:00.000-06:00
okay, now that I have this thing up and running, expect great, small, mediocre and mundane ponderings on my walk of life. I cannot imagine why I am blogging as I happen to be one of the most private people I know. I think I will have a case of "new-blog-itis" and blog to infinity until I find a rhythm. incidentally, this seems to an experiment in finding rhythm to that life I am pondering about. oh, well...once more into the breech.

2004-02-12T14:27:00.000-06:00
well, I have succumbed to the blog. I am trying this forum of life for a while. a new avenue of expression for a mind that likes to express. can't wait to see what it brings.